hey there, peeps!
`   i am currently being set up for a devastating , embarassing day somethime next week and i just know that its gonna be really gay because its a blind date with my old friend liardia's freinds named daivid (not graham).  apparently he is this goodlooking punk dude who looks like the chase goths and is... yeah... great. i dont now what t believe. if i do do this thing, i'll end up sad about my freinds bro who got all wierd when i mentioned it to him.... oh, well. hes going to melbourne to be in "melbourene for some shit to do with the navy". he deseverves it.

hey to everyone i havent sen lately...

lilardia is so awsumcore hot and beautiful and i want to get with her... just joshing... but i want to tell her and let all the world know that she is awsumcore and im keeping her next to my heart forever.

i luv being not at home. right now, im listening to sarahs woes about her ex girlfriend and now i have to say that....

theres a man in pants but my pants are on the floor...i left them there the minute i walked in the door...i dont wont to wear my pants no not anymore...cause theres a man in them in my pants by the door.

thats what happens when you lrt sarah at the keyboard

i've always wanted to be a ballerina. then im sitting in school one day and i look over my next door neighbour's shoulder and she is playing with images of girls en pointe. i wanted to know what she was up to so i asked her had she ever done ballet, and she replied that she had. i was so angry! i have ALWAYS wanted to be able to perfect their pirouetes and graceful movements which no person in their sane mind would even attempt to thinking about being able to execute without 12 or so years of practice. now, im not saying that she's fat, mind, because that would imply that i am in fact fat because we are rioughly the same diameter however...there uis a common misconception in that ballerinas are all tiny, fragile people whom seldom eat much and are used to being blown around in high winds. my friend is not one of those people. she is not fat, and she can form as perfect a string of pearls as the next girl, but i want to be her! i want to be able to raise my entire body weight onto my toes and i want to be the one wincing as i pull the bloodied shoes from my feet. i hate to think that i want that pain so much. it makes me feel inhuman to say that i want it... but that's just what i'm thinking now.

i swear, everyone i know is either in depression, or are slowly sinking into it. i really am not into this whole "teenagers in dreary mindless life circles" thing anymore. i honestly just want to not deal with it anymore.and so, i have decided to get the sad things i think about off my chest once and for all.
   ok. on thursday night last, i went home, and as soon as i got there, i was covered in children. all of them not mine.i dont even HAVE kids. then everyone was drinking. the whole night was ok, and then luke asked me to go with him in the car to the shop or somewhere, i cant  remember what happened all that well. well, anyway, we went out to somewhere, i think it was the bottleshop, and by the time we got home, it was night was falling i dont really remember what happened after that, all i remember is that they (meaning luke, ben and bens' friend peter) went out while i was in the kitchen getting kira a drink of water. apparently they were going to "get chicks", said kelly. i think that expression is extremely vulgar. anyway, the night ended, i went to bed, the household was quiet until the boys got home at about i dont really know what time, but i know it was early the next morning.
   i was awoken twice in the hour that followed their return, both times by luke. the first time, he came in and asked me for a blanket. i went to give him my doona, which im always lending out to people, but he protested, and said he wanted my other one, which is aa $200 minki blankt. i never lend that one out, but i did that night. i expect i would have done anything for him at that point in time. he was my idol, my god. i loved him like a brother and a lover at the same time. i would have died if it would have saved his own life. but that all changed, didnt it? by pushing his will, and opening up mine, he forever changed the way i see him, the way i feel about him. he is more to me that any mere mortal could believe; and yet......something divides us. something i cannot even begin to comprehend, or do not want to. either way, everything changed that night.
   a while later, he came into the room, and somehow he ended up laying his head down on my bed
(which i believe would have been intentional, and also about a foot lower thatn his head is supposed to be) then he had his hand on the bed, i think he hit it and thats how it got there. anyway, his hand was touching my leg, and then all of a sudden he started to carress my leg and i was all like oh, c'mon, dude, no. and he was all like--i cant even remember what it was that he said to me, but he was all like come down and lay with me on the floor, and i was all like no, im staying here. we had a small, quiet argument about it, and in the end, he got the idea to come up to the top where i was.
    you have to remember that i am not one of these little sluts, and i dont just sleep with peoiple all the time, but for some bizzare reason, i did that night. when luke laid down on top of me, i just let him. when he kissed me, i kissed him back. when he pushed hard against me, i pushed back. the only real resistance i put up is that i wouldnt lift a finger to take off my clothes, and i had to literally hold him down. remember, we were on the top half of a bunkbed, with two litlle chidders underneath us, and he was fully going at it and i was scared that either the bed was gonna break or the kids would wake up. luckily neither happened. thank god.
   he pushed into me, and he was as thick as i could stand. which i would have enjoyed much more that i did if we had had different circumstances. as it was, i came barely halfway into it. and i couldnt help but moan. he was breathing hard and asking me questions - was i ok, was i coming, did i wasnt hi to touch there again. he performed well. so did, i, i believe, although he was going like a racehorse at this point and it was all i could do to hold him down and enjoy myself at the same time.
   reading back, i think i am starting to sound like a romance novel! i hate it, but that is the best way i can describe it without it sounding vulgar.i cannot begin to express to you the imprtance of this moment. it has forever blunted the relationship between me and luke. it is the end of something that was all beautiful because i knew that i could not be touched, and the beginning of something that is less that what there should be between us. it is so much more than what it sounds, and yet so little happened in the way of the universe. words cannot describe what i feel now. even i cannot describe what i feel to myself. i cannot believe what i have done.
   

   what the hell is wrong with me? my friends wont spaek to me and im having problems left right and centre. my maths teacher (who should be a nice lady) is a bitch to me. she tells me off for the most stupid things. like this morning. i was logging all my details into the outlook program thats on our school system, and she's all like get off, and i was all like shut up, thats not fair. it all ends up that im the bad one and no-one seems to like me for the me that i am. and apparently i have a crush on one of my friends, which i dont. i have been told by 4 people that i do, but i dont.
   then, on saturday last, i was at tammi's house, and wem were all drinking and i swear the boys were next door smoking buckets, and i was at the bar with my uncle michael, and then he turned to me and said " is it true that you slept with ben? " ben is this guy that i know, and he is the most beautiful thing that i'v ever seen, but then he opens his mouth and its like, crap, this guy knows the entire underground dictionary. and i said, no, who told you that. he wouldnt tell me.
   then the whole "did you sleep with Robert or Taj?" thing came up, and i didnt sleep with any of them. eww. taj has BADDDD teeth, and teeth is a huge thing with me. robert would have been my first, and he was on speed at the time. i didnt know. and i would if ben approached me about it, but i know for a fact that he wouldnt until i lost some weight. his word were 'lift some wieghts', but thats what it means, anyway. i dont think im fat, but i know im not skinny. im just kinda chubby. i hate that word, but hey. its the truth. anyway, i like someone else. davic is a great contender.

i am not entirely crazy. i am nbot even in the least crazy, but for some reason, everyone i know thinks i am really mad. i guess i am a bit loud. i do tend to say whats on my mind, even if it is dirty )which it usually is). i have loved and lost, and i have moved and lost. i belive in the fairies at the bottom of the garden, and nothing could make me forget the songs the stars sing at night. i have little to say on the matter of anything educational at the moment, but everything to say about boys and the friends who seem to stab you in the back at their earliest possible opportunity. i have 'friends' like that. sarsh was one of them. she lied to me, when i ask her things, important things, she says things to me which are not true and then she expects me to be her best friend when she clicks her fingers.
    i am not your average kid, i know that. im like the fat guy in LOST, im bad luck. i know everything that i need to know, i do well in tests but not in class, i have exellent table manners, but i cant make my own bed, stuff like that. i hate it. i have this thing about me not having a boyfriend, and im not gay or anything, dont get the wrong idea. i want one, but i cant seem to attract one. i hate all those 'oh, you just wait for the right person to come along, and he'll love you for you' things that people say to me, i just want to have sex regularly and have more friends. they say im too loud. that i yell and scream and crap like that too much. its enough to drive one crazy with peoples talking to you behind your own back.